A Creed for the 21st Century Evangelical Academic

A Creed for the 21^st Century Evangelical Academic

A Satirical Exercise

We believe the immutable laws of nature, by which God most certainly produced the earth and all things visible. We also believe in select invisible things such as heaven and the soul which give meaning and comfort to our species as a matter of faith even though such ideas are not subject to the empirical sciences.

We believe in one Lord Jesus Christ, the only-begotten Son of God, begotten of the Father before the big bang. He is God of immaterial God, Light of spiritual Light, True God of True mystical God, begotten, not evolved from lower life forms, being of one immaterial substance with the Father by whom the immutable laws of nature led inexorably and without further divine alteration to the formation all observable things; who for us humans, being the most highly evolved of the species, and for our spiritual enlightenment, came down from the unknowable realm traditionally known as heaven, and was made incarnate by the Holy Spirit of the young and possibly virgin Mary, though we know not how the immutable laws of nature might account for this event. He was made homo-sapien, poetically analogous to the most highly evolved of the species, presumably without the deleterious effects of genetic mutation and presumably free of the junk DNA that other homo-sapiens inherited from lower life forms, though a naturalistic mechanism for this has not yet been proposed.

He was crucified also for us under Pontius Pilate, who we admit was an historical Roman governor, though details of those events are subject to historical error. He suffered and was buried, and the third day he rose again, or so the Church has long believed, though we know not what physical processes account for this event. All this is in accordance with the New Testament Scriptures, which are more recent and trustworthy regarding events once thought of as miracles, and are more historically valid than the Ancient Near Eastern narrative of Genesis, though still subject to historical error. According to the great redemptive narrative, He ascended into the non-material realm, and sits on the right hand of the Father to symbolize the beauty of the perichoretic relationship. And He shall come again with glory, though this may only be a story to illustrate the coming of a Righteous society based on Kingdom principles found in the words of Jesus and distinguished from the later theology of Paul. He will judge both the living and the dead, although the precise meaning of this phrase is open to interpretation. His kingdom of social justice, scientific enlightenment and equality shall have no end, vanquishing ignorance; superstition and fundamentalism.

And we believe in the Holy Spirit, who mystically grants spiritual enlightenment in story form - the Lord and Giver of Life, who dwells in ontological relationship with the Father and the Son, proceeds from the Father, though probably not from the Son, who with the Father and the Son together is worshiped and glorified in religious settings where mystery and experiential encounters with the transcendent are valued. He has spoken through the prophets, mostly in non-propositional narratives that are culturally conditioned in terms that are accommodated to the pre-modern and pre-scientific misconceptions of ancient cultures, but whose words nonetheless inspire deep spiritual meaning as the Spirit enlightens the contemporary local community of faith. 

And we believe one holy catholic and apostolic Church, so long as its doctrines do not contradict the most recent conclusions of the scientific academy, though we make exceptions for the Resurrection and possibly the Virgin Birth. We acknowledge one baptism for the remission of real sins, such as materialism, white racism and scientific ignorance, but withhold our judgment regarding cultural and sexual taboos rooted in the ancient cultural paradigms that biased the human Biblical authors. And we embrace the narrative of the resurrection of the dead and the life of the just political order to come, subject to the constraints of reason and natural law.
Amen*.

* Specifics of the above statement are subject to revision as new scientific data becomes available or new theological paradigms become fashionable.